So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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