She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
