Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
