i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
