my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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