she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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