and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
