Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
