On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
