evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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