I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
