based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
