dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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