i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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