Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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