I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
