I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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