Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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