Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish I only lived at night.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
