now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
