you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need water and some morals
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
