i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize