yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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