Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
