Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
