a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize