Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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