Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
