I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
