Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
