I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
