I want to make a zoo with you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
