ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
