genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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