Your mouth is God's brothel.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
