that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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