i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We need to get me chipped asap
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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