Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
