I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
