Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I need help removing her.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
