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You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
