i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
