man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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