just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
a search helicopter?!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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