Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
