This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
