i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
