I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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