i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
