Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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