Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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