I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
