her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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