so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
