1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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