its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
home. puking in laundry basket.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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