Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
