In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
